A long time ago, someone I trust and love said to me "All anger comes from fear."

That made me angry. Or rather, my response to what she said was to feel angry and defensive: "But my anger is justified. I have reason to feel angry. I should feel angry!"

"Whatever. Just know you feel angry because you're afraid."

I rebelled. Maybe other people's anger came from fear, but not mine! My anger was a force for justice. I liked my anger, because it was righteous anger.

Whatever. You feel angry because you feel afraid.

I thought about it (after I stopped feeling angry). More helpfully, I started to feel around it. I discovered it was true. Every time I felt angry, it was because something I valued or wanted was threatened, like my job, my self-image, my security, my safety, my status, my belieffs, my "rights," my "space"…something I was clinging to way too tightly. I got to the point where, as soon as I was aware I felt angry, I'd automatically ask, "What am I afraid of?"

It's easier to feel anger than to acknowledge fear, in part because we perceive anger as strength and fear as weakness. So, if, like me, you're feeling angry because I'm suggesting that you're anger is really disguised fear, and you don't like the suggestion that you might, after all, be weak rather than strong, well, isn't real strength the ability to know and embrace yourself, just as you are, with your fears, rather than ranting in anger to try to fool yourself and others into thinking you're a person of power?

All anger comes from fear.

Text and image © 2010 by Dirk deVries. All rights reserved.