She: Where have you been?

I: What do you mean?

She: Well, I know you've been somewhere,
    because here you are again,
        but the last time was on September 3, 2021.
    So I ask you again,
        where have you been?

I: It's complicated.

She: Yes, yes, it's always complicated.
    We're complicated;
        you're complicated;
    life's complicated.

    [Pause.]

She: So where have you been?

I: Where have I been?
    Umm…wandering in the wilderness of pain.
        Lost in the forest of self-pity.
    Stuck in the bog of sadness.

She: None of which is worth sharing?

I: Who wants to hear it, really?
    Everyone's dealing with their own pain,
        their own self-pity,
    their own sadness.
        Not to mention confusion,
    loss,
        fear…

She: Swamped,
    overwhelmed,
        uncertain,
    scared,
        both stuck and unmoored…

I: Yes.

She: In the past,
    you process here,
        and in processing,
    what you said mattered,
        not only to you (which would be enough)
    but also to others.
        Do you know that?

I: I reached a point
    where I no longer had anything to say,
        or what I had to say
    no longer felt…worthwhile.
        Who really wants to hear it?
    Did anyone?

She: Yeah, that sounds like depression.

I: Yeah, it sounds like depression.

She: Robs one of motivation,
    inspiration,
        hope,
    meaning.

I: All of that.

She: And to answer your earlier question:
    Who want to hear it?
        You do.
    We do.
        And between you and the three of us,
    might that be enough?

I: It was before.

She: So why now, today?

I: I'm not sure.
    I saw my journal.
        I opened it.
    I picked up a pen.
        I started writing…

She: And here we are.

I: Here we are.

She: Here we are, indeed.

I: Here I am
    not really saying anything.

She: Maybe you don't need to.
    Do you remember how this all began?

I: Summer of 2010.

She: Yes.

I: Responding to your invitation
    to find my voice,
        to chronicle my journey.
    You gave me a spiritual practice.

She: And?

I: And it was that.

She: Indeed it has been–
    all those days with us.

I: Yes, with you.

She: And today it is again.

I: I guess so, yes.

She: You sound unconvinced.

I: I'm afraid to say
    that it will be anything more than today.

She: You don't need to,
    but I do have one final question.

I: Sure.

She: Are you still, each day,
    experiencing us?
        growing?
    discovering?
        becoming?

I: Yes,
    but I'm just so weary.

She: Come to us,
    and we'll give you the rest you  need.

    [Pause.]

I: Yes. Rest.

Text and image © 2022 by Dirk deVries. All rights reserved.
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